Tips for the Holidays - Dealing With Difficult People
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The holidays are coming up fast along with the added stress of trying to get just the right gift, crowded shopping malls, traffic jams, holiday parties, and the obligation to show up at family get-togethers. With all that running around chances are you’re going to run into someone who pushes your buttons. You know, one of those difficult people.
Many times the struggles we have with other people boil down to who’s right and who’s wrong. But isn’t right and wrong just a matter of perception? Perhaps the conflict is not always about their behavior but about the way we react to their behavior. We each have the unique ability to assign meaning to someone else’s behavior that leaves us offended. It is our interpretation that defines them as difficult. Think about it. The most difficult person in your life could be someone else’s confidant, lover, or friend.
Each of us has a slightly different take on reality. If there are twelve jurors listening to the same arguments, hearing the same evidence they often have a hard time reaching a verdict because they rarely perceive what goes on in exactly the same way. Keep that in mind when dealing with your brand of difficult person.
Difficult people abound, sometimes only for you….. and yes I’ll admit…sometimes they are perceived as difficult by everyone around them. Perhaps the way they act is off-base. You’re right, they ARE difficult – but is that helping you feel better?
Here are ten useful tips you can use this holiday season (and beyond) to help you meet the challenge of dealing with the difficult people in your life.
- Give Up The Need To Be Right. What you perceive maybe accurate, but protracted battles and arguments that go nowhere are all about being right. Agree to disagree with respect. Take action that supports what you want to accomplish. If you need to establish boundaries do so but give up your need to be right. Why? Because it feels good.
- Don’t Assume Anything. Whether you have know someone for a long time or you just met, you really don’t know exactly what motivates them,or precisely how they bend their reality moment to moment. Give up assuming why they did or said something. Ask questions and don’t assume ANYTHING.
- Let Go of your Expectations. Having expectations about who should do what and how it should be done is a recipe for crisis. Let go of your expectation that one specific outcome is the only way you will be satisfied. If you hold on to the belief….Every thing will be okay when they…….. you may wait an awful long time for when. An expectation is your assumption about what is SUPPOSED to happen. We gave up assumptions in tip number 2, remember?
- It’s NOT Personal. Everyone lives in a unique virtual reality created by his or her beliefs, experiences and agreements. You are only a minor character in their movie and how they react to you is NOT about you. No matter what anyone says or does, remember - it’s not personal.
- Ask for What You Want. Ask for what you want rather than telling that difficult person what they are not doing right. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. When you accuse, defend or criticize you sound like a victim. A victim is powerless faced with a “difficult person.” Is that what you want?
- Listen Effectively. Do you ever formulate what you are going to say next while the other person is still talking? Are you really paying attention to what is being said, or half listening and filling in the blanks? Do you frequently interrupt others before they finish speaking? In order to avoid conflict, listen and acknowledge what the other person is saying. If they recognize they are heard it can go along way to diffusing a conflict.
- Be Detached. Let’s say someone is difficult. No doubt about it. Everyone agrees. That perception may be accurate but now what? If you have done all the right things Steps 1 thru 6 above) – and nothing changes be prepared to walk away. All communication is by agreement. Engaging in an argument is a choice. Rather than argue or defend, if you don’t agree move on and focus your attention elsewhere. Do this not because you’re right, but because it feels right.
- Respect Their Story. Like you they have a story too - a unique perception of how everything is. It’s their story. And they have a right to it and deserve your respect even if you totally disagree. Respect their story and don’t try to change it. Enjoy them just as they are. That’s what you want too, isn’t it?
- Put On Their Shoes. By not making assumptions, giving up expectations, asking questions, and listing effectively you can start to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Each response they have is really about what they believe. The literal meaning of they say might not be as important as the driving belief behind the response. Once you see that (and it’s not about you at all) any conflict will begin to evaporate.
- Give Up the Need to Be Right (again). What one person does to irritate you may not bother others. Is it possible that YOU are the one being difficult? This tip is so powerful it bears repeating. To diffuse the conflict, give up your need to be right. Why? Simply because it feels so good.
BeliefWorks,
Ray Dodd
http://www.everydaywisdom.us
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