Every week I get an e-mail asking: What is the key to long-lasting happiness?

Most people (whether they admit it or not) believe happiness, or unhappiness, is fueled by the events that happen to them (or around them). They believe their happiness can be greatly enhanced by having more money, a new car, falling in love, landing the dream job, by children whose accomplishments make them proud, or living in a world that has regained (according to them) its sanity .

All the things listed above are events that occur outside of us. They happen to us. Our assessment of those events, our story about them, produces an emotional response. If that emotional response feels good, it makes you happy, right? If you feel good as a result of what has happened, you must be on the path to happiness.

“Good” events feed positive emotions, but they are temporary highs. I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that life is full of ups and downs and endless twists and turns. There are moments when things couldn’t be better, and moments when we are sure they couldn’t be any worse. And, to top it off, we are all mortal. No one escapes the inevitable.

Truly, the path to happiness has NOTHING to do with what happens to you (or around you). Finding firm footing on the path to happiness lies in the MEANING you assign to what happens.

What you decide each event means fabricates a story you tell to yourself and others. That personal story has an emotional point of view that either feels good or feels bad. Aware or not, we choose misery, or happiness, moment by moment simply by the meaning we assign each event.

Starting tomorrow, pay attention to the meaning you assign to what happens to you (what somebody says, what you read in the paper, what the boss does at work). See how it makes you feel. Getting on the path to happiness is much easier than you think…….

BeliefWorks,

Ray Dodd
http://www.everydaywisdom.us

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My dog, a tuxedo border collie named Luna, has some perplexing yet amazing behavior. When I ask her if she wants to “go” - she gets excited, runs in figure eights around the yard, and leaps into the back of my car. However, if I ask her if she wants to “go”, but have no intention of taking her with me, she ducks as I grab for her collar and it’s a full-on game of chase. When I try to use “do you want to go” ploy to capture her when I need to leave but can’t take her with me , it NEVER works!

So, how does the dog know?

Although it’s frustrating, I have a pretty good idea of what’s going on. Animals are highly keyed into our true intent. Let me clarify: what you mean to do (even before you do it) is your intent. I can’t explain it any other way other than saying that intent is the energy you exude that precedes the action that you are about to take. I can’t fool the dog because she can perceive my intent (are we going or not?) even though I play-act as if we are going for a ride.

This idea of intent is critical when trying to master the power of belief. An example: Let’s say you’re going on a job interview. The night before the interview you look in the mirror and use positive self-talk until you are sure you’ll get the job. But when you get to the interview the next day you’re nervous and not all that confident. What happened? Simple. There’s a big conflict between your intention and your intent. Your intention is what you have in mind: I’m going to great at this interview – they’re going to hire me! Your intent is a perfect reflection of what you actually believe and is often in conflict with what you think you believe.

I talk to so many people who tell me they want abundance in their lives, but they are full of stories of woe, victims of forces so much bigger than themselves. When asked to take any risk they reality-check themselves out of taking any action. They may think they believe in abundance but their intent is broadcasting a very different message.

Whatever you believe broadcasts a harmonizing intent. Sure, there are many forces at work out in the world, but what you emanate has a tremendous impact on what you will create for yourself. Pay attention to your intent and if it’s not aligned with what you say you believe, then change it. Change your intent consciously and it will change the very shape what you believe.

BeliefWorks,

Ray Dodd
http://www.powerofbelief.com

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Meet my neighbor, Allison. She is constantly telling me about her teenage son, Zach. “If he would just pull up his grades… he needs to pay closer attention to what we tell him…. if he was just more interested in life…..” Allison has a list of what Zach should do that he isn’t doing and reminds him about it daily because, as she says, “I care.”

The origins of the word “care” (from online etymology.com) center on anxiety and serious mental attention. To be “careful” is to be full of woe or concern.  Interestingly enough, the origin of the verb “to care” means to be filled with anxiety and to be “careless” is to be free from anxiety.

This type of caring is really all about fear. If you strip back the personal details surrounding Allison and Zach, her manner of caring simply says: I care, and so when you begin to act the way I think you should I will feel better. Until then I will be the only one who cares enough about you to worry, and to voice my disappointment no matter how bad it makes me feel.

Does any of this sound familiar? If you want to be free from anxiety is the solution not caring? To me not caring doesn’t sound much better than caring and being gripped by fear. I’d like to propose the act of caring in a different light. Caring without fear. To begin caring without fear, forget about caring for others. Direct all of your caring inward toward yourself. Sound selfish? Not really….

First, be care-full. Be full of care about what you say, do, and think because you are (you’ve heard this before) the sole creator of your universe. You are the steward of the human body you inhabit. What you decide is true (the stories you tell yourself) about what happens to you and around you has a tremendous impact on your health, wealth, and all your relationships. It is well worth the effort to be care-full.

When we tell ourselves stories that fuel anxiety, and when we repeat those stories so many times that we believe they’re true, we become care-less. Being care-less causes the loss of the most important thing we possess: the power to change what we have the power to change (what we believe everything means).

Again, begin by directing all of your caring toward yourself. Be care-full and see what it is like to care without fear. Accomplishing that see how delightful it is to fearlessly care about all the wonderous LIFE that whirls around you.

BeliefWorks,

Ray Dodd
http://www.powerofbelief.com

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It’s only a few more days until Groundhog Day! What? You don’t care? To be perfectly honest neither do I.

I do love the movie, Groundhog Day however. I recommend it to everyone in my Power of Belief Programs.

The idea for the movie comes from ‘The Gay Science’, a famous book by Friedrich Nietzsche. In his book, Nietzsche gives a description of a man who is living the same day over and over again. In the movie, a sour, arrogantly self-centered TV weatherman is sent to the small town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to cover the Groundhog ceremony held every February 2nd. He despises the assignment. Somehow he stumbles into a time warp repeating Groundhog Day over and over again. He tries to take advantage of the situation (because he knows what will happen next) from a selfish view point, but no matter what advantage he gains every morning it is the same day all over again. Only when he embraces the situation in a positive and unselfish way is the time warp broken.

The movie, Groundhog Day, has spawned the term.: The Groundhog Day Effect. It is defined as: an unpleasant, unchanging, repetitive situation that leaves one feeling powerless.

Everyone who has ever tried to change limiting beliefs and transform their lives in a significant way is stymied by The Groundhog Day Effect. The effect usually appears like this: When we are forced to change, or realize we must transform old self-destructive patterns, we leap into action.

I’m starting the New Year with a new attitude; it’s time to loose weight; I resolve to be kinder this year; I’ll be a better listener to my kids; I’m going cut back on my alcohol consumption; I’m not going to worry anymore.

Any of this sound familiar?

But even with the best intentions, armed with motivational DVD’s and CD’s, the old patterns eventually creep back in. After all that positive thinking wears thin our unconscious behaviors rear their ugly little heads. It’s Groundhog Day! Again!

Although we go through the motions to change we sense that real change will propel us is far beyond what feels familiar and safe. So we change, sort of. Just enough, but not too much. We bargain with ourselves, make deals, and look only at what doesn’t make us too uncomfortable. We examine at ourselves with honesty, just as long as we’re not too honest. The result? Yep, you guessed it - Groundhog Day!

So how do you loosen the grip of The Groundhog Day Effect? If you’re feeling powerless, faced by unpleasant, unchanging, repetitive behaviors that seem to be more powerful than your resolve to change, you’ve decided you’re a victim. But wait…, the perception that you’re a victim is self-delusion; a lie. It’s always a lie.

The Groundhog Day Effect unravels when you stop believing that lie. There is no deal, or going half way. The bargains you make with yourself to “sort of” change are like the statement: “I see your point, but….”

The “Yes, but” is an unconscious defense of the old, and the protector of what has always been.

The Ground hog Day Effect dissipates when you fully accept that every belief you have is a point of view that YOU agreed to. To experience real change requires that you take full, unfettered responsibility for what you have created. At that moment you will break free, and empowered, you CAN make another choice.

Happy Groundhog Day!
BeliefWorks,

Ray Dodd
http://www.everydaywisdom.us

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Property of everydayWisdom.us 2010. All rights reserved. Reprint rights are granted to all venues so long as the article and by-line are reprinted intact.

The holidays are coming up fast along with the added stress of trying to get just the right gift, crowded shopping malls, traffic jams, holiday parties, and the obligation to show up at family get-togethers. With all that running around chances are you’re going to run into someone who pushes your buttons. You know, one of those difficult people.

Many times the struggles we have with other people boil down to who’s right and who’s wrong. But isn’t right and wrong just a matter of perception? Perhaps the conflict is not always about their behavior but about the way we react to their behavior. We each have the unique ability to assign meaning to someone else’s behavior that leaves us offended. It is our interpretation that defines them as difficult. Think about it. The most difficult person in your life could be someone else’s confidant, lover, or friend.

Each of us has a slightly different take on reality. If there are twelve jurors listening to the same arguments, hearing the same evidence they often have a hard time reaching a verdict because they rarely perceive what goes on in exactly the same way. Keep that in mind when dealing with your brand of difficult person.

Difficult people abound, sometimes only for you….. and yes I’ll admit…sometimes they are perceived as difficult by everyone around them. Perhaps the way they act is off-base. You’re right, they ARE difficult – but is that helping you feel better?

Here are ten useful tips you can use this holiday season (and beyond) to help you meet the challenge of dealing with the difficult people in your life.

1. Give Up The Need To Be Right. What you perceive maybe accurate, but protracted battles and arguments that go nowhere are all about being right. Agree to disagree with respect. Take action that supports what you want to accomplish. If you need to establish boundaries do so but give up your need to be right. Why? Because it feels good.
2. Don’t Assume Anything. Whether you have know someone for a long time or you just met, you really don’t know exactly what motivates them,or precisely how they bend their reality moment to moment. Give up assuming why they did or said something. Ask questions and don’t assume ANYTHING.
3. Let Go of your Expectations. Having expectations about who should do what and how it should be done is a recipe for crisis. Let go of your expectation that one specific outcome is the only way you will be satisfied. If you hold on to the belief….Every thing will be okay when they…….. you may wait an awful long time for when. An expectation is your assumption about what is SUPPOSED to happen. We gave up assumptions in tip number 2, remember?
4. It’s NOT Personal. Everyone lives in a unique virtual reality created by his or her beliefs, experiences and agreements. You are only a minor character in their movie and how they react to you is NOT about you. No matter what anyone says or does, remember - it’s not personal.
5. Ask for What You Want. Ask for what you want rather than telling that difficult person what they are not doing right. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. When you accuse, defend or criticize you sound like a victim. A victim is powerless faced with a “difficult person.” Is that what you want?
6. Listen Effectively. Do you ever formulate what you are going to say next while the other person is still talking? Are you really paying attention to what is being said, or half listening and filling in the blanks? Do you frequently interrupt others before they finish speaking? In order to avoid conflict, listen and acknowledge what the other person is saying. If they recognize they are heard it can go along way to diffusing a conflict.
7. Be Detached. Let’s say someone is difficult. No doubt about it. Everyone agrees. That perception may be accurate but now what? If you have done all the right things Steps 1 thru 6 above) – and nothing changes be prepared to walk away. All communication is by agreement. Engaging in an argument is a choice. Rather than argue or defend, if you don’t agree move on and focus your attention elsewhere. Do this not because you’re right, but because it feels right.
8. Respect Their Story. Like you they have a story too - a unique perception of how everything is. It’s their story. And they have a right to it and deserve your respect even if you totally disagree. Respect their story and don’t try to change it. Enjoy them just as they are. That’s what you want too, isn’t it?
9. Put On Their Shoes. By not making assumptions, giving up expectations, asking questions, and listing effectively you can start to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Each response they have is really about what they believe. The literal meaning of they say might not be as important as the driving belief behind the response. Once you see that (and it’s not about you at all) any conflict will begin to evaporate.
10. Give Up the Need to Be Right (again). What one person does to irritate you may not bother others. Is it possible that YOU are the one being difficult? This tip is so powerful it bears repeating. To diffuse the conflict, give up your need to be right. Why? Simply because it feels so good.

BeliefWorks,

Ray Dodd
http://www.everydaywisdom.us

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• Try a complimentary 30 Minute Telephone Session: Change the World - Change Your World - One Belief at a Time. Explore the advantages of working one-on-one with a BeliefWorks Mentor.

• Buy BeliefWorks and get the BeliefWorks Practice E-Book Free: Purchase BeliefWorks this month and we will give you the BeliefWorks Practice E-Book at NO EXTRA CHARGE.

• Inspiring BeliefWorks Art Prints: Great as a gift or for yourself, high-quality inspiring art prints.

Property of everydayWisdom.us 2008. All rights reserved. Reprint rights are granted to all venues so long as the article and by-line are reprinted intact.

 There is a new book making its way through the talk-show circuit - Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. Bright-Sided invites a provocative conversation and at the same time promotes a dangerous point of view – that positive thinking is pure fantasy. 

The book has a singular intent according to author Barbara Ehrenreich - to take on the current plague of positive thinking. Self-proclaimed as the nation’s reality checker, she says that positive thinking is a kind of delusion infecting nearly every realm of American culture. On a personal level, it leads to self-blame and a preoccupation with stamping out “negative” thoughts. On a national level, it’s brought us an era of irrational optimism resulting in disaster.

As one book reviewer writes: “ We’re always being told that looking on the bright side is good for us, but now we see that it’s a great way to brush off poverty, disease, and unemployment…..The people who are sick or jobless—why, they just aren’t thinking positively.“

Bright-Sided exposes, as it should, the fallacy of ignoring reality and the time-tested principals of science and finance. Über optimism can be an illusion, but only when deeply held negative beliefs are obscured by the opinion that you should be positive. Bright-Sided assails positive thinking itself overlooking its benefits and failing recognize the core issue creating the illusion - that what is always more powerful than positive thought is belief.

What you agree to believe dictates your outlook impacting every thought you think, every word you speak, and every action you take. Persistent action in sync with that outlook will always produce a perfectly aligned result, positive or negative, despite what you’d like to think you believe. Thus what drives our actions is not always something we are conscious of and can be in direct conflict with what we outwardly proclaim we want.

The ultimate power of belief is simply this: no matter what you get to decide what everything that happens to you means.

This is potent stuff - especially when things fall apart. The unavoidable reality of life is that things don’t always go well. Economies stumble. People get sick. And so a preoccupation with stamping out negative thoughts is not a waste of time. Because we have the power to decide what every event means, (what story we tell ourselves about it), a positive viewpoint embracing gratitude and potential growth is always more nourishing than negative thoughts heaping abuse on an already challenging situation.

It’s important to distinguish the right use of powerful thought; apply it to what is in your life right now, rather than what is not. For example, if you are in a relationship you can interpret what’s happening in a positive way (empowered), or in a negative way (victim). If you are not in a relationship at present, and want to be, the right use of positive thinking is to apply it to the actions you can take right now to help you move toward that goal.

To reap the real benefits of positive thought first requires an awareness of what you have decided is true at the deepest level. That realization goes far beyond willing yourself to have the “right” thoughts (a practice that always leads to self-abuse). Positive belief emanates positive thinking - not a delusion, but rather a deliberate “what does this all mean” choice that can nourish the human soul in the most challenging of times.
 

BeliefWorks,

Ray Dodd, author, The Power of Belief

http://www.everydaywisdom.us

Over the years we have been asked about changing beliefs of every kind – money, love, family, health, how we look, the state of the world – the list goes on and on. This month we received a question about changing racist beliefs from South Africa.

Gerrit B. from Cape Town, South Africa writes:

I am of European descent, living in an African country. My forefathers came here 350 years ago. Our country is rife with racism, and although I don’t see myself as a racist, quite often a racist thought crosses my mind. Especially with regards to the running of the country . Having read The Power of Belief, now realize that I have a racist core belief. Which is difficult to accept, as I love so many people of colour that I either work with, or just know. I don’t want racist core beliefs. How can one get rid of them?

This heartfelt question brings up a memory for me. My mother was heavily involved in the civil rights movement of the 1960’s in the United States. Prejudice of any kind made her very angry. And yet, I remember that when she was approached by a black person that she didn’t know it made her nervous. As a child I always thought that, despite what she professed to believe, she was afraid of people of color.

Ninety percent of the process of changing beliefs is awareness of what you truly believe. Without that awareness it’s hard to make different choices.

So let’s practice a little awareness.

Generalizations or stereotypes, no matter how innocent, are a form of prejudice. At their core thay are just stories we tell about how things are. By definition stories are full of untruths.

If you listen closely racism and prejudice have a voice. Notice what that voice is saying. Does it whisper things like:

They’ll ruin everything.
I don’t want my children exposed to that.
She’s just not capable.
They don’t belong here.
They are hardworking but not very intelligent.
They are not very intelligent but hardworking.
Things have gone to hell since they took over.

Even more important is the theme behind the words. What tone, what point of view is in effect here? What dream does it spin?

If you listen closely racism and prejudice proposes an all encompassing principle: there is something wrong with them.

That judgment - there is something wrong with them - can not exist unless we believe the very same thing about ourselves. Unnoticed, the inner judge points the finger at everyone else obscuring the fear that comes from the possibilty that someone might judge us in the same way too.

Thus to change racism, prejudice, and discrimination we have to start withourselves. The voice of: there is something wrong with them - can be oh-so subtle. Nuture an awareness of that voice and how it reflects the very same judgement that you are afraid of. Heal the beliefs you have about yourself and you will never sit in harsh judgment of anyone again.

BeliefWorks,

Ray Dodd, author, The Power of Belief

http://www.everydaywisdom.us